Hallmarkentines Day

Valentines Day, the day where expectation and disappointment reach their apex and duel it out on Cupid’s battle field of overpriced greeting cards. The day some people feel extremely loved, some forgotten, and others devastated because they were very much not forgotten, but didn’t want to get engaged on Valentines Day because they wanted their “own” day. Whether you’re a single millenial drowning in your bottle of cabernet, a husband who just can’t seem to get it right, or someone in between, cheers to all of you. While I can’t relate to everyone, I can relate to being a husband and father on Valentines Day, so here it goes…

Luckily for me, I have a wife that couldn’t care less about getting anything for Valentines Day. She doesn’t like jewelery, she’s all about saving money, and while she thinks flowers are nice, she could take em or leave em. That Valentines Day pressure doesn’t apply to me, because I know whatever I get will be just fine, or better yet, unexpected and perfect. But for all the other guys out there who aren’t as lucky, I feel for you, and I will defend you…

First, can we talk about how everyone gives men so much trouble for waiting until the last minute to shop for Valentines Day? Why is it that men who are in Walgreens at 4:30pm on Valentines Day on their way home from work given sarcastic looks by the middle aged cashier like, “Wow, day of, there’s barely any cards left, lucky lady.” But people, if you look closely at what cards are left, it’s wife cards, we are right on time, baby. Yes, the aisle looks picked over, but those empty spaces were once filled with grandchild cards, and son and daughter cards etc. You know, the ones for the non-detectives you live with. But those other cards, the “For My Wife” cards, are sitting there for us, seemingly right off the press.

The first thought people have when they see a man shopping on Valentines Day is that we forgot. We didn’t forget, we just live with a woman. All police departments should hire women detectives, nothing gets passed them. I grew up with a detective as a father, and I was always more worried about my mom figuring something out. So no, we didn’t forget, we just don’t want the hassle of trying to hide something from you. We don’t want the, “Why does your bag look fuller than usual?” or “How come you closed the bedroom door for 5 min with a pair of scissors?” Ya know what, okay here, f*ck it. It’s not for 4 more days but just open it now okay, Sherlock?

My wife, god love her, but she can’t wait to give a gift, or recieve a gift. At Christmas time I can’t put her presents underneath the tree because she’ll want to open it. My kids are only 2 and 8 months, so I can still just put their gifts under the tree, but my wife’s? Nope, I have to hide those. She once gave me my birthday gift on November 26th. Which seems normal if my birthday was November 26th, but its December 9th. She is literally the worst and she knows it. I also don’t think I am alone in having a wife who has this terrible quality, reason number 2395 that we are shopping the “day of” on Valentines Day. (Not to mention, flowers are not a gift item you can just shove on the top shelf of your closest out of your wife’s site/reach for a few days.)

It might seem odd that my wife, who doesn’t care to get gifts, would respond this way when she buys one or knows she has one waiting for her, but women are a complicated creature. Luckily my gift for her this year hasn’t even arrived yet, so I haven’t had to “lie” to her. Since we’ve had kids, its changed from a romantic holiday, to one of making it special for the kids. Which I like, because now I can go with more of the gag gift approach, as opposed to the romantic, heart felt ones of the past…

Full disclosure, the gift I got for her this year is a pair of underwear, with a picture of my face all over it like pokadots (surprise honey) I thought it was funny, ya know, she could wear them to bed with one of my 87 shirts she’s stolen of mine and made her own. I figure if what she’s wearing is mine anyway I might as well plaster my face all over it. Unfortunately, I haven’t received that pair of underwear, and I haven’t gotten a shipping email or a response to my concerned emails. Imagine that, a company that sells underwear with a person’s face on them isn’t legit. So either they are a scam, or the underwear with my face all over it ended up in some 3rd world country along with all the prematurely made Ram’s Super Bowl Champions tshirts. Which ironically, that combination of attire would look a lot like my wife at bedtime.

With all that said, ladies, give guys a break on Valentines Day. Afterall, we should just be celebrating it for the kids anyway. I mean, Cupid is a baby after all, what does he know about romance? For me, Valentines Day looks a lot different, at least in some ways. Now I buy a rose, not for my wife, but for my son to give my wife, I have my kids scribble and do their best to make a Valentine for my wife, because lets be honest, getting something from them is going to pull her heart strings more than anything she’ll get from me. Unless of course those Grant panties show up on the porch, then watch out 😉 .

But who am I to judge how you spend Valentines Day, while my words say one thing, I’m celebrating much like a single millenial woman. I am writing a blog at home, alone, and drinking cab out of a “How merlot can you go” wine glass. See, we aren’t all as different as we thought. So here’s to the single, to the engaged, to the married, to the “its complicated”, but for me its time to go, my wife is almost home from her second job and I have a lot of shit to pick up. “Babe, the house is clean, all you have to do is go to sleep.” Okay, enough talking dirty, I seriously gotta clean.

Happy Valentines Day, however you celebrate it

-Chime out

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