It’s Complicated, We’re Simple…

Parenthood is complicated, but before you’re a parent it seems easy, “Everyone does it, can’t be too hard.” people say to themselves. I love being a parent, but I wasn’t one who was too shocked by anything either since I lived with my oldest nephew from birth to two years old. Obviously its different when its your own and completely your responsibility, but I knew the ins and outs of what to expect and have always felt comfortable with babies and children.But while parenting is an experience I would recommend to anyone (well, not anyone), has anything made you appreciate the small things more than being a parent?

I’m talking about things like being able to take the browns to the super bowl without feeling like you’re playing a Price is Right game and you have to finish before the guy falls off the cliff. When I’m home alone with my son and he’s throwing a fit and I have to pee, I haven’t quite decided which approach is easiest. Do I stand and hold him while inevitably creating a mess to clean up later, or do I sit down and hold him on my lap and do my best creepy Santa impression?

The small things, that’s what makes us dad’s simple. When you’re a kid and all you want to do is go outside and shoot hoops and explore in the creek, you have a hard time understanding why dad gets so much satisfaction from eating a steak and getting to watch the news in peace. What fun is that? As kids, we don’t know what we require or what the rest of dad’s day looked like, but now I do. Kids make dads simple, for example…

I’ve already covered the luxury of being able to  have a bowel movement without being disturbed (except by my chocolate lab), but there are other things throughout the week that you start to appreciate after having a child. You can’t just get up and go do whatever you want anymore, so I found myself looking forward to Sunday mornings. No, not the cinnamon rolls or the freshly brewed coffee, although those do enhance the experience….no, I look forward to the older Asian gentleman who does air karate in my backyard. I believe Tai Chi is the proper term for it, nevertheless, it has become a weekly thing that I sip on my coffee and enjoy. I have a video of it below for proof, and for your own Sunday enjoyment.

Dads look forward to simple things, but also develop the skill to entertain themselves with their own thoughts. Its free, its simple, its dad…

Some people may see a dad out and about in his white New Balance shoes with the navy blue “N”, and his t-shirt tucked into his jean shorts, and think they’ve got him all figured out. “Omg what a creep, does he know how much thigh he’s showing? And ew, are those cargo pockets? .” Hey! Leave us alone, little do you know we are thinking about things that could change the world, or we are just entertaining ourselves while our family stops to look at the same exhibit of flamingos we looked at twice already. And for the record, we do know and we don’t care, fatherhood not only makes you simple, it makes you practical. My velcro hat is keeping the sun out of my eyes and I don’t care if my son vomits formula all over it, and my cargo pockets are holding wipes and my kids shitty diaper until I find a freaking trashcan. Anyhow, us dads like to ponder, we don’t get out as much as we used to, so sometimes we ask ourselves questions and think about what the answer is. Sometimes it can be quite scientific, such as “When dogs see us naked, do they have the same reaction that we do when we see them in a sweater or a hat?”

Have I thought about that in depth before? Of course I have, I have three dogs, and I could of sworn one time I heard Bear laugh at me.

Other times, most of the time, our thoughts revolve around things that piss us off, like hand dryers in bathrooms. Those things might as well have a sign on them that says “Push button, then dry hands off on shirt.” If that was the case they would work pretty well. And don’t even get me started on the sinks that you have to hold down in order for water to continue to come out. Do they actually want us to wash our hands? “Sir, we understand your frustration, but honestly, if we had to choose, we would go with a low water bill over people touching things in our store with clean hands.” is what I imagine the explanation is.

Sometimes we even blow our own minds, and come across a thought that possibly nobody else has ever thought about before. In all my years of flying, I have never once had a female pilot. No, I’m not about to make a sexist joke, I’m not that kind of guy, but what I will do is ask myself if I just discovered the true meaning of why it is called a “cock pit”.

Wondering why people do things the way they do, and why they are the way they are also gets our neurons firing (proud of that analogy, Rach?). Like Taco Bell for instance. I’m not one for confrontation, that’s one reason I chose the elementary counselor route instead of following in my father and grandfathers footsteps in being a police officer. I had the St. Louis County Police Department application filled out and everything, then I thought to myself, “I’m not a huge fan of being yelled at, and I can’t imagine life without summer break, I think I’m gonna go a different way here.”

Anyway, back to Taco Bell and why I have verbally assaulted them in my mind almost every time I’ve gone there. Now, its not hard to make a dad happy, so when we hear this, it can be pretty heart breaking……. “Sorry sir, we are out of beef.”

ron

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All those periods represented my silent pause while I broke Scar Face’s record for most f-bombs in a given time span. (in my head of course). Mind you, this was the second time in 2 weeks that they had been out of beef. I then said politely “So, I can’t really get anything then?”, “You could get a chicken or cheese quesadilla!”, they said with excitement, as if they didn’t just tell me they were out of their main ingredient. Not again I thought to myself, as I drove past the pick up window giving them the mental finger, taco-less.

“That’s awful! Are you okay?” You must be thinking, but that’s not even the worst part about Taco Bell, its their unbelievable skill of not putting everything you ordered in your bag. Now, I’m not sure who’s fault that is, the fact that I ordered 9 items, or that they can’t read a screen and put those 9 items in the bag. Equally disappointing I guess, but on the bright side, they are probably pushing back my time-of-death by at least an hour or two. And for the record, I always over-order at Taco Bell knowing damn well I won’t get it all.

But yes, I agree, the anxiety I get waiting in the Taco Bell Drive thru knowing they will forget at least one of my items is higher than it probably should be, but sometimes being a parent can be a lot, and all 9 of those tacos in your mouth on the drive home were exactly what you needed.

-DadBod17

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