Pushing 30, and the Waistline…

As dads, we go through some things we’ve never had to go through before, like finally overcoming, or not overcoming, the fact that our bodies just aren’t the same as they used to be. We wonder whats different when we still eat the same way we did 10 years ago when we were walking across the stage at our high school graduation. What’s changed? Well, maybe its the fact that our interests went from playing sports for fun, to sitting on the couch drinking beer watching sports for fun. Now, being married to a science teacher, I know there are also scientific reasons like metabolism slowing down and yada yada, but this isn’t the blog for that. All I know is, it is definitely a factor.

Food is tempting, exercise is not, I get it, I live it. I like to think that I’ve gotten through some difficult things in life, but I still think attempting to not eat one french fry on the drive home from McDonald’s has been the most difficult. I may even be guilty of eating from the other person’s fry box on the way home as an appetizer, just so that I have a full order to enjoy with my meal. “Man babe, McDonald’s keeps getting stingier and stingier with their fries.”…”Oh I know its ridiculous, what jerks.” I say, as I shove a handful in my mouth quickly to even it out. I know, I’m an awful person…

I live by the motto of ‘when you clean out your car and you don’t find some french fries somewhere, you ain’t livin’ right.’ By the way, I’m not one of those dads that wonder’s why I don’t look 18 anymore, if it wasn’t obvious by the last few sentences…

But no worries my fellow dad’s, there are things out there that allow us to embrace our new bodies, and still look cool doing it. First, I would like to introduce you to my first finding, what I call my “sweans” or my sweat jeans. Girl’s are on to something here with their leggings that look like jeans. No loss in style, with all the comfort. My “sweans” (copyright 2014) are everything a man could want, they are casual Friday on the outside, and lazy Sunday on the inside. You could nap in them, do construction,

yoga, or catch nine innings, there are no limits, and they have been life changing. Just think how fast Benny the Jet would of been with these bad boys on.

Anyway, kiss squatting like Yadi to stretch out your freshly dried jeans good-bye my friend, and welcome to the world of full on dad bod comfort. Why struggle and be self conscious every time you try to pull on and button your stiff dungarees, when the world of elastic is waiting to hold you and bring you on home?

Enjoy that? Well here, enjoy another dad hack, Velcro…

I tell ya what, Velcro gets a bad rap, with labels such as creepy, and well…creepy (It’s not like they are light ups, people.) But hey dads, ever had your kid run out of the house and you need a quick pair of foot wear to strap on and take off running? Or are you ever just so tired and laces just seem out of the question? I got the answer for you, Velcro. Its durable, its sensible, its sexy…

Am I kidding, I don’t know, take a look at the picture below…

My Crows, as I refer to them

As for the other side of it all, working out…what a pain it can be, literally. Here’s the situation, you’re almost 30, or older, and in your mind you still feel as though you’re capable of being on your respective varsity sports team. The first day you pick up running you start strong and think ‘wow, I’ve still got it’, then when you hit the 3/4 of a lap mark you realize, you are almost out of gas. Then goes your lower back, then your calves cramp up, then since you can’t stand up, and you can’t straighten your back to sit, you end up tipping over in the grass in humiliation as the neighborhood kids laugh, then wonder if they should be calling someone.

Sound familiar? Welcome to my blog dad bod.

Here’s our downfall, instead of picking it back up tomorrow and starting slowly, we go home with our heads down, defeated…and drown our sorrows in the little magical white box of left over Chinese food in the fridge.

At times we are so bad that we can’t even wait for food to cool down before shoveling it into our mouths. In my defense, I’ve never understood why some of those directions for microwave soup call for such long cook times. It might as well say “Please remove lid and place soup on the sun for 3:30-4:00 minutes, then let sit for 30 min to cool down before eating.” Listen Campbells, my lunch is 30 minutes, I don’t have time for this. As I eat it anyway and destroy the roof of my mouth. Mmm mmm good, thanks Campbells!!

While God has thrown us dads a bone with sweans and Velcro, there are just some things there’s no getting around. Different things start hurting when you get older, and you think to yourself “I have literally done nothing for years, why the explicit does my heel feel like its being stabbed with a knife?” Plantar fasciitis, said Dr. Johnson. Plantar whaaa?? Tweaked my back reaching for the body wash in the shower, now this? Thats not to say this new diagnosis didn’t come with some perks though, like the kinky lingerie and the sweet pair of dad shoes pictured below…

Overall, dad life has its struggles, and we have our flaws, but there is hope for dads everywhere to get back on track. At first, it does seem impossible, with work, the late nights, and wanting to spend time with your kids (and wife). But there is time to eat better and exercise, as I am slowly finding again with the help of my wife. Do it together, get back to where you want to be with a partner who can push you. Whether its your wife, your friend, your neighbor, just as long as it’s not Little Debbie…it can be done. Lets do it together dads and put an end to this dad bod epidemic!!


ps. Zebra Cakes will always have my heart…

Image result for zebra cakes

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